Setting boundaries is important to every relationship because it defines how we allow others to treat us. Even in a soulmate relationship, we know somewhere in the back of our minds that there are certain things we shouldn’t do, shouldn’t say, and lines we simply cannot cross or suffer the consequences of losing the soulmate relationship for good. Since all people and all relationships are different, exactly what those things are become defined between those two people who are having the relationship. Now obviously what is a faux pais for some may not necessarily be for others. But there are some things that most people would consider to be deal breakers. Clearly behaviors and actions such as cheating, physical emotional or verbal abuse, stealing, lack of communication and or intimacy… but believe it or not, what used to be deal breakers have become, unfortunately, commonplace and acceptable in many of today’s relationships.
What many people do not realize is the more you let people cross your boundaries, mistreat you, or take you for granted, the stronger they feel, and the weaker they think you are. We all have thresholds for pain, and we all have thresholds for BS in a relationship. The higher your threshold for BS in a relationship, the more BS you will have in your relationship. Its that simple. Since relationships are constantly growing and evolving, the treatment and behaviors get worse and worse, and your boundaries are tested and trampled. You may put up with it or accept it because of how much you love someone, but what you are doing is giving them the “OK” to treat you worse and worse, because YOU made it acceptable.
When you accept bad behavior and treatment, you are telling the other person that you will allow that treatment and that it is acceptable to you. You can yell, scream, get mad for a week, but if in the end you continue to accept them (and their behavior) in your life you are basically telling them loud and clear that it is totally OK with them treating you this way because you are allowing it. So, of course they will do it again and again and again, and you will accept it to keep the relationship going again and again and again. If you allow the rules to be broken with almost zero repercussions, your rules become a joke and will not be taken seriously. If the punishment for those bad behaviors is not serious, then your boundaries and your wishes will not be taking seriously.
Let’s use the example of cheating to show how the natural fear that is in a relationship and should be in a relationship can be destroyed. A man should fear that if he cheats on his girlfriend or wife she will leave him. If he is caught cheating, she should either pack her stuff and be gone or toss his crap out the window. If he then sees the consequences of his actions and doesn’t want to lose her, he will beg and beg for forgiveness for as long as it takes her to forgive him, if she ever decides to. It makes him see the reality, not the just the idea of what it would be like to lose her. It shows him she will not tolerate his cheating and that she means business and demands respect. It also shows him that no matter how much she loves him she loves herself enough to not put up with that kind of crap, and she would rather be single than with a man who cheats. That is how fear actually works in a relationship.
On the other hand, what if a woman catches her man cheating and then leaves it up to him to decide who he is going to stay with? What if she cries and begs him not to leave and give their relationship another chance? What if she allows him to deny it and accepts his lame stories? What if she demands he cut ties with the other woman while they work on their relationship (and then has to suspect he is still in contact with the other woman?) Each of these scenarios remove the fear in their relationship on his end, and put it ALL ON HER. She didn’t put the relationship first or herself first, she put him first, just the same way this selfish asshole does. Her fear of losing the relationship takes the place of punishing him for what he did wrong, which is really what should be happening. She let her boundary go right out the window. This will only make an already bad situation much much worse and will increase chances of him cheating again!!